In a world where everything has become uncertain and unstable, the very act of forming a family is turning into a “luxury.”
Professor Chan Mi-jeong of the Department of Child and Family Studies at Seoul National University, a leading expert in family studies and demography, analyzes contemporary family dynamics and envisions the future of the family.

Demographic shifts, evolving values, and changing lifestyles are closely intertwined with the shape of families. Yet past analyses and policy responses have often been narrow in scope and short-sighted, fixating solely on the issues of the moment. Drawing on a comprehensive and objective perspective, Professor Chan Mi-jeong examines the transformations across various domains—romance, marriage, childbearing, parenting, caregiving, and more—in an era where building a family has become an exceptional undertaking, and she offers a forward-looking vision for what lies ahead.

From the evolution of familism to shifting perceptions of the family, from methods for accurately interpreting relevant statistics to the diverse family types emerging amid aging and polarization—this book reexamines the personal and familial realities we actually experience, realities that have been obscured by discussions in the realms of statistics, policy, business, and economics. As low birth rates, population aging, and growing inequality reshape society, how is the form of the family changing? Beyond that, the book invites readers to reflect on what family truly means to them.

How are rapid changes in social structures and lifestyles transforming the institution of “family,” as well as the ways we live and relate to one another?

Low birth rates, an aging population, and growing polarization have become defining features of contemporary society. For years, governments have poured vast sums of public funds into policies encouraging marriage and childbearing, while businesses have long viewed these trends as new business models and opportunities. Terms such as “total fertility rate,” “single-person households,” “super-aging society,” and “elderly poverty” have consistently served as key diagnostic markers for Korean society. Yet, there has been relatively little systematic observation of the transformations occurring within the most fundamental unit of society—the family. Demographic shifts, changing values, and evolving lifestyles are deeply intertwined with family forms; previous analyses and policy responses have often been narrow in scope, focused on short-term issues, and stuck revolving around whatever was considered the hottest topic at the time.

In this book, Professor Chen Meijing adopts a comprehensive and objective perspective to examine the changes unfolding across various domains of family life—romance, marriage, childbirth, parenting, caregiving—and to assess their emerging future. As an expert in the field, she has devoted over three decades to research on family demography, low fertility and caregiving, multicultural families, and related topics, also actively participating in government policy formulation. Recently, her YouTube video titled “Marriage: Is Family a Luxury? The Future of Families That Will Be Completely Changed” garnered millions of views and more than 1,600 comments, sparking widespread discussion. She has also appeared on KBS documentaries, Sambao TV, Sebakh, and other programs, exploring family phenomena and their new trajectories, resonating broadly with audiences. Her book, “Family as a Luxury,” reilluminates the personal and familial realities we are actually experiencing—realities often obscured by statistical discourse, policy agendas, commercial interests, and economic narratives.

The most complex and delicate relationship—how should we view the family?

Narratives about family remain essential. From variety shows set in military barracks thirty years ago to today’s idol audition programs, contestants’ family stories are always a predictable yet safe source of empathy, never absent from the screen. As the 2023 Survey on Family Life reveals, Koreans see the family as a sturdy safety net—a place where members support and rely on one another. At the same time, however, the family can also be a source of shame or aversion. No family is perfect, so ambivalence toward it is inevitable. Recognizing this ambivalence itself often brings feelings of guilt, stemming from our idealized, even sacralized view of the family—the “family myth.” This is precisely why the first chapter is titled “Don’t Touch the Family.” Yet, precisely because we insist that there should be no secrets or conflicts within the family, its problems end up unresolved, trapped in a vicious cycle.

Cultural pressures around “how families ought to be” have shaped a belief system known as “familism.” Familism equates the individual with the family, so that personal success or failure is seen as the family’s success or failure. In the past, patrilineal familism (Confucian-style familism) centered on the eldest son; today, we have entered an era where travel has replaced ancestral rites. Compared with hierarchical family order, the simple nuclear family emphasizing intimate bonds has become many people’s current image of family—perhaps not worse than before. However, the author points out that this, too, is a form of familism. Members burdened with the obligation to maintain harmonious family relations may feel overwhelmed, trapped in guilt. This “lyrical familism” sometimes manifests as family egoism—“as long as my own family is happy”—with a disregard for communal values.

In the age of the “family cliff,” families are becoming increasingly polarized and aging—what future awaits me and my family?

The old advice, “You’ll regret getting married, you’ll regret not getting married—why not just try?” is rarely heard anymore. Some experts attribute the decline in marriage rates to the weakening of marriage norms, but the author offers a different perspective: among those in their twenties who believe marriage is necessary, only 35% ultimately marry, whereas the overall marriage rate stands at 75%. Moreover, people tend to treat marriage and cohabitation as mutually exclusive choices, when in fact, in Korea, cohabitation more often serves as a “process leading to marriage” rather than a “substitute for marriage.” A survey found that among cohabitants aged 19–49, 77% reported plans to register their marriage. About one-fifth of couples delay registration for more than a year after the wedding ceremony—these cases can also be understood as cohabitation within the marriage process.

Even after navigating the uncertain stages of romance, hesitation about marriage often stems from economic instability. The lower one’s income, the further away marriage and childbearing become, turning family life into a luxury. Low income leads to living alone, and living alone further reduces income. The author stresses the need to guard against the polarization of families. Economic poverty breeds relational poverty, and social isolation becomes a root cause of lonely deaths and political extremism. What about the aging of families? More and more “kangaroo children” who have never become independent, “boomerang children” returning home after divorce, and households with heads aged 60 or 70-plus are appearing. In China, there are even “full-time children” who receive salaries from their parents in exchange for caring for them.

Spend more time with those who matter most—to see family as relationships, not institutions

The family is the most fundamental network connecting our lives. Throughout the book, the author repeatedly reflects on and advocates for “relationality.” The “Social Guard Model,” which organizes life’s multiple relationships into three concentric circles, provides a practical framework. The innermost circle comprises those closest to us, those we need most. People in different circles have varying emotional expectations and conversational ranges, which can lead to misunderstandings and disappointments—for example, parents consistently place their children in the first circle, while for their children, the parents may belong to the second or even third circle. However, the composition, position, and size of these circles are not fixed. As we age, our social radius shrinks, and the outer circles contract accordingly. Parents who rush their children into marriage before retirement can be seen as trying to leverage their accumulated social capital before their third circle narrows. We need not take their words or actions personally if they are inevitably stepping back from their own protective circle—we should instead devote more time to those who truly matter.

With declining birth rates and lengthening lifespans, fewer siblings and closer intergenerational ties evoke the image of a vertically extended “pod”—a “pod family”—challenging our conventional notions of large, multi-generational households. Even as statistically defined extended families disappear, the “relationship” of mutual care within such families is becoming longer and stronger. Yet the author worries that the number of family members able to share caregiving responsibilities is dwindling. Especially compared with increasingly easy childcare, providing care for aging parents is becoming ever more difficult, and the social systems to support this are still inadequate. Not only parents grow old, but children do as well—both individuals and society must prepare.

Coexistence of individual orientation and communal values—calling for diverse, non‑traditional lifestyles

“Dream lenses, braces, growth hormone injections”—these are dubbed the “three major new parasitic behaviors.” In surveys on the causes of low birth rates, financial burden consistently ranks first. But the author calmly analyzes that this financial pressure is actually driven by sociocultural forces—the combination of parents’ desire to give their children what others have and consumerist parenting. She emphasizes that whether one chooses not to marry or not to have children due to financial constraints or personal preferences, children, families, caregiving, and community should still be respected as vital social values. Practices like “no kids zones,” which otherize certain groups—in this case, mothers rather than children themselves—undermine communal values. Humanity has always moved toward protecting the vulnerable and sharing care. As the author notes, any form of exclusion or rejection may run counter to the historical trajectory of human progress.

The notion that marriage and childbearing are the only paths to forming a family is already outdated. Cohabiting relationships, communal households, “patchwork families”—such diverse family forms already exist. In those who yearn for a “family like friends,” the author discerns the spirit of our times: a desire for the functions of family, yet a rejection of its institutional constraints. Our romantic vision of “relationality” need not be confined to the family. If we have a supportive network of loved ones, let us cherish and nurture those bonds; even if we don’t, there is no need to despair. Loose, everyday connections beyond the third circle of the Social Guard Model can also bring small daily joys and play an important role in preventing social isolation. There is no single right answer to how we should live. Just as the conventional path of marriage and childbearing constrains us, non‑traditional lives should be free to unfold. Once a culture that respects diverse lifestyles takes root, we can all live richer, fuller lives—as the author puts it, we need more models for how to live.

Author: Chen Meijing

Professor in the Department of Child and Family Studies, College of Life Sciences, Seoul National University. She earned her bachelor’s and master’s degrees from the College of Life Sciences at Seoul National University and a Ph.D. in Family Studies and Demography from Pennsylvania State University in the United States. She has served as President of the Korean Society for Family Policy, President of the Korean Society for Family Relations, and a member of the Child Care Subcommittee of the Committee on Low Fertility and Aging Society, among other positions. Currently, she is Vice President of the Korean Family Association and a member of the Seoul Metropolitan Government’s Population Policy Committee. Her main research areas include family, work–life balance, policies related to low fertility and caregiving, and North Korean defector families and multicultural families. Her research has been widely recognized, earning her such honors as the Professorial Academic Award from the College of Life Sciences at Seoul National University, the World Daily Multicultural Policy Grand Prize, the Ministry of Education’s Commendation for Contributions to Parental Policy Promotion, and the National Commendation (for the Gwanak-gu Healthy Family Support Center and Multicultural Family Support Center). She is the author of Family and Caregiving, Talking about Korean Families, and Examining the Daily Lives of North Korean Residents (all co-authored) and has published numerous research papers.

Preface

Part I: Don’t Touch the Family

Chapter 1: The Idol Trainee Who Wants to Buy a House for His Parents
1. Family Narratives Are Essential
2. The Happy Family and Familism
3. Holiday Scenes Where Travel Replaces Ancestral Rites
4. The Mask of Sentimental Familism
5. The Paradox of Familism

Chapter 2: Why “Parental Abuse” Is Considered a Violation
1. The Family’s Joint Responsibility
2. The Family as a Source of Happiness
3. An Inescapable Weakness
4. Ambivalent Feelings Toward the Family
5. Not Asking for Excessive Attention

Chapter 3: Family Diversity and the Normal Family Model
1. The “Normal” Family
2. South Korea’s Nuclear Family Model
3. Why the Nuclear Family Became Dominant
4. Diverse Families?
5. Diversity and Inclusiveness Go Hand in Hand

Chapter 4: This Is Household Statistics
1. Households and the Concept of the Family
2. Misunderstandings About Divorce Rates
3. Diverse Indicators of Divorce Rates
4. Another Misunderstanding Caused by Statistical Misinterpretations

Part II: Twenty Years of Low Fertility and Aging

Chapter 5: Why There Are So Many Negative Comments on Content About Low Fertility?
1. A Simple Yet Hard-to-Achieve Dream
2. The Reason I’m Not Getting Married Is…
3. Imagining Life Without Marriage
4. Personal Preferences and Communal Values
5. Ways to Support Caregiving

Chapter 6: Why “I Am Solo” Is Popular
1. Dating Shows Are Popular, But the Marriage Rate Hits a New Low
2. Why “Other People’s Relationships” Are Interesting
3. The Opposite of Cohabitation Isn’t Marriage—It’s Being Single
4. “I Am Solo” as a Documentary
5. “I Am Natural” and the “Marriage Agency”

Chapter 7: Nursing Homes
1. Like Robert De Niro
2. The Aging of Family Members
3. The Expansion of the “Pod” Family
4. Full-Time Children and Parental Care

Chapter 8: Families in a Multicultural Society
1. Seventy Years of International Marriages, Twenty Years of “Multicultural Families”
2. International Students Playing Three Roles at Once
3. The Problems with Short-Stay Visas
4. They Have Families Too

Part III: The Luxury of Family

Chapter 9: Consumerist Parenting and Collective Illusion
1. The Three New Types of “Parasite Kids”
2. Why the Financial Burden Doesn’t Decrease
3. The Inflated Charm Capital Online
4. Parenting and Education Caught in a Collective Illusion

Chapter 10: Polarization Within the Family
1. Eight Wallets for One Child
2. The Narrowing Pathway to Social Mobility
3. Relational Poverty

Chapter 11: The Romance of Relationships
1. What Is a Friend?
2. Friends Like Family, Family Like Friends
3. The Social Guard Model
4. The Importance of Loose, Everyday Connections

Chapter 12: How Not to Become a Hope Loop
1. The Uniqueness of K-Low Fertility
2. Reasons for the Rise in Birth Rates
3. Sweden Has Reached Its Limit
4. Not a Hope Loop, but True Hope

Notes